Mine is a story full of trauma and hope . I don’t know where to start, probably with humility.
I’m grateful for what I have and I’m happy to be alive. What keeps me well? Prayer and a walk on the beach with the dogs, the sea and the elements keep me connected to all things. I can just ‘be’, with every sense connected to the universe.
I am on a four-year recovery journey made possible by relationships and the kindness of others.
Once I was a child in a house full of my father’s music, a harpsichord and a piano. Suddenly he became ill and died. My mother’s spirit died with him, she overdosed and never really recovered.
By the age of 12 I was a neglected self-parenting carer, mother to my brother and to my mother, with a tenacious heart that has become my driver in life. I overdosed too. I entered the care system.
Children’s homes. They provided me with a structure, discipline, holidays and an anchor and, at 15, with a son. I had to fight to keep him, helped by an extraordinary act of kindness from a staff member.
At 17 what began with my father’s death ended with my mother’s suicide. What I felt was relief but guilt and huge anger. I became my brother’s keeper and mother to two generations.
In my 20’s, I lived a Bohemian, artistic lifestyle, met the love of my life and had my heart broken. I met and married my husband on the rebound. He was a dear friend.
I became physically ill, with abdominal operations and an addiction to prescribed opiates. I needed to be looked after but didn’t now how. I was always the carer, and it broke our marriage.
Needing to work and wanting to care for others but unable to do either, I chose suicide in the form of a massive overdose; a coma and a life-support machine; the inner scream; ‘enough! enough! The Cedars with a blanket over my head, was the beginning of my Recovery.
Out of it all came my purpose and function in life. I hear people’s stories which are my story; I know they have the resources there to survive. My work helps me to make sense of my own story. I use my experience to rectify what I was unable to experience. I am driven, a workaholic but I pray for a peaceful heart and humility. My only regret is any hurt I have caused others. And yes, I continue to mother the earth.