You can find more of Cally’s work on her website here.


DAY

 

You announce yourself

at sunrise

without a name

familiar

but blank as a new born

I have no choice

must invite you in

 

you smile, but will it be

a false one?

empty eyes

will I climb to your heights

or drop to your depths?

I fear the latter

you’ve lied to me before

 

could you not have taken

pains to call me

yesterday

let me know

the shape you’re in

what you want from me

perhaps then

I could face you

without fear


manic depression

sleep

I just want to sleep

I wish for brevity of emotion

not this persistent dread

don’t go there

don’t let me wake

it pours with rain

she knocks

‘do you want to go for a walk?’

no, I’ve just done a hundred rounds

with my thoughts

they

don’t understand

me

don’t get my

prolonged silences

amongst their sea of noise

laughing, joking, banality

so much joy

how do they do it?

my desperation permeates

every cell of my body

no interest, curiosity

where did it go?

I long

for the enthusiasm

of mania

the racing thoughts

better than this dull

aching exhaustion

let me sparkle

on the edge

of what reason isn’t

don’t leave me

lingering

in the depths

of Tartarus


SHE WHO LIVES ME

Why does no-one want to know you when your head has gone off

why do friends disappear so quickly along with the marbles

when the cracks appear no-one sees or cares or troubles

to peep inside the new born trenches

but as they deepen the neighbours stare

for the bombs and the drums and the battles divert them

from the box in the corner commanding attention

laundry conversation relives the action

of titillating exaggeration

oh for a scapegoat to colour the air

I have had enough, I count them up

no stragglers please – she’s a tease

I won’t stop to please her

no handshake this time

no fluffy glass of wine

just take what’s rightfully mine

I bite her nipple, then grab, then press

then chew it and claw it a thick bloody mess

she asks for it every day she cries

holding the Dogstar in all of her eyes

I saw her once when she flew from the skies

torch in hand I salute you

you ever so balanced perfect being

there is nothing purer than what I am seeing

but suffocating nothingness has got to be freeing

as the cell door shuts you turn of the screw

that is you who are you in all of my faces

as even my faeces demand attention

your lips must me mention describing my essence

I command your presence you cannot desert me

I am ill very ill

I am sick in the head I know now for sure

they’ve been hinting for years but I kept doors ajar

now they’re closed I can’t remember

if there was anything there

I don’t even recall

if I ever cared

She has no right to stare

like the cat at the king

but here I am

take everything

there’s very little left

except the monster

crying to be fed

she who lives me

knows I am dead

Cally Starforth Hill

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